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for those of you...   
06:19pm 25/09/2004
mood: cheerful
who have never experienced that which is Flem.. This is the ultimate Goth cartoon.. Read it and squirm...
07:45am 24/08/2004
mood: awake
Today is an early work day.. I can't bitch too much, seeing as how early means I go in at 9am instead of 10am. It'll be a busy day... At 10am, there is a manager's meeting, then at 10:30 I have to hang out with a guy from the gaming commission while we check machines for 2-3 hours.. I can't forget about my meeting with the sales rep at 2pm from a new slot support company... The fun never ends.

Finally finished the paperwork to submit to the Veteran's Office at UNR to activate my Army GI Bill Money... I am taking that up there tomorrow.. Now it is just a matter of getting my Application fee together so I can actually APPLY....I am really looking forward to getting back into school... I figure I just need to kill myself at work and school for about 3.5 years to get my Master's Degree..

I fear that if I were to remain in my current line of work for the rest of my life, I'd end up like Ed Gein...
a good night   
09:52pm 23/08/2004
mood: tired
I went to Sacto to hang out at Asylum. I had a few people ask if I was DJing.. I asked the DJ if I could spin and he said ok.. I had the opportunity to spin for about 45 minutes. It is fun to play there because it proves to me, after having been beaten down by Reno, that I don't suck as DJ. In fact, if having the dance floor filled is any indicator, I guess I am pretty good. The other DJ, DJ Arnold, rocked major butt. He was damn near flawless in his mixing.. I was impressed. I have a friggin laundry list of new music I want.. Anybody have about $1200 I can have? lol :-p
Why not?   
09:37pm 23/08/2004
  This is for the few of you who actually read this.

1. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.
2. Am I loveable?
3. How long have you known me?
4. When and how did we first meet?
5. What was your first impression?
6. Do you still think that way about me now?
7. What do you think my weakness is?
8. Do you think I’ll get married?
9. What makes me happy?
10. What makes me sad?
11. What reminds you of me?
12. If you could give me anything what would it be?
13. How well do you know me?
14. When’s the last time you saw me?
15. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn’t?
16. Do you think I could kill someone?
17. Describe me in one word.
18. Do you think our friendship is getting stronger/weaker/or staying the same?
19. Do you feel that you could talk to me about anything and I would listen?
20. Are you going to put this on your livejournal and see what I say about you?
21. Do you miss me?
This is ridiculous...   
08:18am 21/08/2004
mood: irritated
Time for a bit of a rant... I have learned through a little birdie that one of my favorite goth/industrial clubs may be undergoing a format change to include bands like the Hives and the Strokes instead of the more electronic sounds like electro/industrial/ebm and synth pop.. Why.. because the shit they want to play there is on the radio and the drones that listen to it will show up.. The appeal of going to a GI club for me has always been to hear shit I DON'T HEAR ON THE RADIO. It seems that, right now, the core of this scene is so fucking transfixed on 80's and Old School stuff that the new music is falling by the wayside.. this is pathetic. I am frigging 36 years old and it seems I have more radical tastes than people 15 years younger. I want to spin remixes of old stuff that have been jazzed up, bands like Suicide Commando, Velvet Acid Christ, Seichtum, Feindflug, and the like, and these people want to come up and request friggin 20 year old Bauhaus and Siouxsie. Don't get me wrong, I love those two, but listen to the new stuff people..

There is a band local to Reno, currently, called Endif. Band.. not really.. a guy.. anyway. I keep his stuff in my driving music because I like it.. but I really wish he could get it over to Europe where they actually listen to new stuff in clubs rather than this area where they don't want to hear it unless it is over 10 years old.. Yeah, I am ranting, but I am so fucking tired of the "Alternative" crowd acting like a bunch of brainwashed sheep... Yes, the old stuff is good, but try something new on for size... The Cruxshadows are coming to reno.. I hope the turnout is good. I know when I brought Bella Morte to town we fliered for two months prior, had a radio spot or two and had it as an event in both the papers.. we had 52 people show up.. I think 40 were paid... I really hope more people show up to this show. Third Wave has pulled off a coup in getting them here, and I am hoping that part of the reason they are coming is because they talked to Bella Morte and were told how well they were treated.. I am keeping my fingers crossed on this one.

C-Ville, with a population of maybe a third of the Reno area would have a sold out show.. Yeah, I miss the crap out of that town.. especially now that the ever amazing Xiane has a new venue for the Dawning.


More ranting later.. I need to get to work..
Something frightening this way comes...   
08:39am 20/08/2004
mood: chipper
I have started a ball rolling.. The process that may lead to the first ever "Just Goth" karaoke disc has begun. A little more research and a few hundred emails to go.. I'll keep this updated with progress. The karaoke market grew from 3 billion in 2000 to over $15 BILLION IN 2003... and there is no source for real alternative karaoke cd+g's.. yet..

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mother puss bucket....   
12:02am 20/08/2004
mood: irritated
I was about to go to sleep, but something compelled me to write this entry... Here is the deal... I have a roommate... the roommate has kids. We kind of help each other out when the other is short on cash and we just reciprocate back and forth... I am cool with this... So here is the deal... Since Monday I have dropped between $90 and $100 on food for the house... First of all, this amazes me.. I can live off of that for a month... seriously.. second of all, It seems we are now feeding the kids AND THEIR FUCKING FRIENDS!!! Just a quick example... I bought a 12 pack of Pepsi on the way home from work.. say 7ish... By 11pm there are 3 left.. um.. hello? I bought Milk at the same time and it is half gone... Yesterday I bought a stack of Fat Reduced microwave meals... 8 to be exact.. I have had one.. there are 2 left...I am out of here at the end of September.. I just can't deal with this any more.. I pay half the rent and utilities and have the smallest room in the place and use 1/3 the utilities...

I thought I had that fucking tattoo on my forhead that says "SUCKER" removed after my divorce... must have forgotten to do that..
11:24pm 19/08/2004
mood: touched
Must be time for bed.. The eyes are ceasing all efforts to focus... Need to go downstairs to get liquid..
oh bother...
09:32pm 18/08/2004
mood: amused
Ok.. someone gave me a copy of UNderworld on DVD.. saw it once and wrote aboutit here somewhere.. I am watching it again and a question dawns on me... Watching the opening sequence, hundred of rounds are expended by both the werewolves and the vampires... right before this, the chick is saying that the war has been going on for over 600 years.. I guess my question is.. Wouldn't you think after that long these fuckers would be better shots?
Evil lives....   
11:25am 18/08/2004
mood: distressed
Has anyone ever seen the movie called "The Order"? There are a couple of scenes where these two little kids are hanging around for no apparent reason other than that they are summoned demon spawn and are waiting to terrorize unsuspecting people..

Well, they live across the street from me.

They appear innocent enough.. two small boys home on summer vacation, playing in the street... until I walk outside to work on my car. It starts subtley enough, they start to play closer to my vehicle.. then, all of the sudden they appear at one end or another watching me, like the Children of the Corn... then, they say something ominous like - "Hi.. watcha doin?" My skin crawls as I think what to say to these evil little gnomes... if I am not careful, they will latch themselves onto my project, sucking all pleasure of accomplishment from me. I have learned that no matter what I answer, the next they will say will be incredibly devious - "Can we watch?" Seems innocent enough.. but NO!!! Watching now means them getting closer as I am crawling under my dash to work with wiring... You see, they are insidious in the way they infiltrate... You think me mad? I have proof... when I reach for a tool, I feel it being handed to me... they have bypassed the asking of the question of "Can we help?" From there it is all downhill. Because they handed me one tool, it seems to be some kind of infernal signal that indicated to their cunning intellect that they now have free run of EVERYTHING in and around my vehicle... The one time I did tell them, politely, to get lost, they went home and told their parents that I yelled at them.. which of course involved them coming over to talk to me an ask me not to yell at their children... You see, I just returned from pick-n-pull with the prizes of a sliding door panel and sliding door lock that I really want to install. I also went to the autopart store and picked up some carpeting to work on my other door panels with,, I even bought spray glue and spackle paint for the interior... but THEY were outside waiting for me.. You see.. I know there plan.. I made the mistake of sitting in my van for more than 30 seconds before entering the house, and they were there, little blond demos staring at me.. then one spoke - "Hi!" IMumbled a greeting and fled upstairs to my room, putting on Mentallo and the Fixer to ease my shattered nerves.. I go down stairs every few minutes and peek out the window at the top of the door to see if they are still there... and they are.. acting like they are playing... evil lives.. right across the street from me..
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06:43am 18/08/2004
mood: weird
Why the fuck did I wake up at 5:30..

on my day off..

something must die to appease me..

Did I spell appease right?

Coffee is required and my thinking cap seems illusive. Higher brain function has not started yet. I am going to toddle off to the local pick and pull today in an attempt to find more new cool and interesting parts for my van. Eventually, I will post pics of the Red Beast. As pathetic as it is now, the difference from the time I purchased it is mind numbing. Just for shits and giggles, here is a list of issues already addressed:
1) Upon purchase the beast has A working headlight... no driving lights, no brake lights, no back-up lights.. no lights but the one. I have since traced my electrical system and repaired all of these except for the back-up lights.
2) My dimming headlight on the journey home from Tahoe indicated I might have had a wee bit of an issue with the charging system.. Took the battery over to the shop and I knew I was in for an intereting time when I was informed tht my van had been living with a Marine Battery... bought a real battery..
3) Battery wasn't charging.. guess what.. alternator.
4) Doors had no panels, the wing windows would not close, and the normal windows would not roll up or down due to the fact that the regulators had been belt into place in order to keep the wondows from sliding down. At junk yard I found door panels, new glass, and good regulators. Doors completed - yay.
5) Glove box was non-existent.. found one, now I have a place for my stuff.
6)Floors were bare, located a formed rubber mat for the front.. cut out carpet insulation to put under it and installed - immediately reduced road noise.. duh..
7)Ordered new front signals and tail lights to replaced old corroded and cracked ones.
8) Locate the much sought after rear side indicator lights at pick n pull.. installed those.
9) Modified a '73 turn signal to work with my 72 and attatched it to the steering colum... in addition, added an after market ignition switch so I no longer had to use a screwdriver to start it...
10) UNder the hood - as of my last expenditure, the only thing original under the hood is the engine case... everything else there has already been replaced.. including the guts of the engine case. COMPLETE rebuild.. including new clutch and pressure plate, and a new set of Dual Weber 34-ICT carbs..

The moral of the story.. when you buy a vehicle to restore for $300, expect to do some work and spend some money..

It is cold in my room and my nipples are hard.. I need to remedy that siuation..
10:01pm 17/08/2004
mood: determined
It seems every time I vow to make more frequent posts in this silly thing something derails me.

Cest la vie.

Bopped around tonight, vitually of course, in my old haunt and found much activity... This does my heart good. It was The Dawning where I got my feet wet in the whole DJ thing.. I'd really like to spin there again someday.

So much seems to have changed, yet so much has also remained the same.

It looks like this Saturday night will see me KJing at the local Karaoke bar... for $150 a night, I am such a whore.. Sunday will see me making the journey over the mountain to go to Asylum as a guest, and possibly as a DJ.. either way, it should be fun.

January sees me returning to school to finish my Bachelor's Degree.. I am pursuing it in, of all things, Forensic Psychology. I find the whole field fascinating... and I may well starve... oh well.

There is a remote possibility that I will aslo have a gig in Sacto. doing alterrnative/80s Karaoke histing.. That should be a blast.

The downside currently..
August has sucked ass so far... I had an acquaintance from long ago die of a heroine OD, and the wife of a friend who dies a few months back has slipped into a coma brought about by an accidental OD of vicodin.. Oh, of course, another person, very close to me, is currently undergoing tests for cervical cancer... Last Friday also saw the departure of $1900 from my wallet into the hands of the shop that rebuilt my VW van's engine aftr I threw a rod in the last week of July.

Anybody with good news, feel free to comment and spread the joy..

I am currently working on a revision to my old website that will re-launch near the end of the year.

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still alive   
08:52am 17/07/2004
mood: relaxed
Little else to report... in case anybody was wondering...
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08:55am 09/06/2004
mood: bored
OK.. I finally managed to watch Underworld all the way through... Am I the only person who kept imagining fuzzy little plant life whenever they said "lyxan" - lichen?
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and away we go....   
08:05am 04/06/2004
mood: creative
Been a mentally active week... Dusted off the book and started editing and writing again. I am getting it back out to people I know to get opinions and I feel that I am going to save some of the already written chapters for a second book if I can sell it as part #1 to a trilogy or series.
I am also currently in the process of trying to get into UNR in January for a major in Psych.. The dearth of child psychologists indicates that now is the time to get involved.. The plan includes a Bachelor's and possibly a Masters from UNR and thentrying to get into LSU for my Phd.Board Certification will occur somewhere in the process also. Why LSU? That will fullfill a dream of living in New Orleans. Probably already went over all this in recent entries, but seeing as how I use Semagic, I don't bother looking at those.Some people have suggested my taking classes at the local community college, but that would be defeating the usefullness of the 100+ transfer credits I have at my disposal.. Which reminds mme - I need to get the registrars office of my former universities to send transcripts...whee.. Not to mention that the $970 a month from the Army will help.. :-)
09:22pm 01/06/2004
mood: contemplative
I have spent much of the day re-reading the chapters of a book that I have been writing for over 4 years now.. I think perhaps.. at last.. I have come to a place where I can bring myself to finish it... I am only on Chapter 10.. only another 12 to go to get myself caught back up... lol
ashes and ashes and ashes of lies   
04:54pm 01/06/2004
mood: weird
This desert sky glares at me, though I hide from it behind blinds and curtains. I can feel it burn into my soul. Rape, filth, addiction, unwanted children.. this is how I see this place.. the rape of the land... the filth of it's cities... the addiction of its populace to keep the misery of its black soul from seeping into their most sacred place, only to find that they create their own Hell... the children who are forgotten by this place.. No place else have I ever felt such a bleakness... such a blight upon my third eye. Most days, I am able to ignore this cancer in my soul, but others, it leaves remission and consumes my heart and mind. I am tired of the drama of this place... everybody seems tainted... and I am becoming infected with it also.
I have friends who desire that I return to Virginia... It is a thought that never leaves my mind... were it not for the necessity of a certain minimum income, I would move back tomorrow. The one thing I will never do again is push myself to the limits of my sanity by working two full time jobs... the memories are still fresh in my mind of the final days of my being there - they were dark indeed. I had a place that required no more than $250 a month for rent and I couldn't afford it.. never again. If I were to have a good job lined up ahead of time - now that would be a different story. My requirments are small.. enough to live on, pay the ex, and maybe save a little for an occaissional trip somewhere. The other possibilities that are fluttering through my head are Sacramento and New Orleans. Sacramento because I have always loved that city - but the cost of living.. need I say more than it is in California? New Orleans.. that may be a pipe dream, but the one time I was there, I could almost see the creative energy vibrating on the streets... Whatever job I eventually take, I want to start writing again... I don't care if it is articles or novels.. I need to write.. I have been avaoiding it for some time and when I started again, it was like having life breathed back into me.. Enough for now...
09:04am 01/06/2004
  The weekend was sucktastic. Though Monday I was able to do a little soul searching to figure out what it is that would actually make me happy.. Came up with a few things.
1)Stay out of any relationships for a while. Don't get me wrong, if my ex wanders into my room one night, I am not going to say no... but I have such a cluster-fuck of mental processes right now that I am not going to be looking for much of anything for a bit.
2)Read more. I read quite a bit alrready, but I am slowly changing the content to a more productive list. I picked up 3 different writers magazines recently.. and I am looking at a few style manuals and "Writer's help" books.
3)Write more. My writing has come to a stand still. The occaissional poem just isn't hacking it any longer... There are stories that play through my brain every day and it is almost as if I am avoiding writing them down. I have over two hundred pages written for a novel that have been sitting dormant for over a year now. I have no less than four other stories that are rotating in my head on a regular basis...
4)Learn more. I need to finish my degree. I have been making excuses for a few years now, but they are all bullshit. I need to get off my dead ass and finish it.. Period.
5)Make plans to get the hell out of Nevada. I hate this place. I feel completely unmotivated here. I can't put my finger on the cause, but I have never felt as desolate as I do here. The two possible places I am looking to move to are Sacramento and New Orleans. Sacramento is a city I have always loved, but New Orleans has LSU local and that school has a Degree recognized nationwide. I may need the chaos and debauchery of the Crescent City just to save my soul.
6)I need to finish my van. I need to get that puppy to 100% so I can drive it withut worry of it breaking down over the pass.
7)I need to look for other employment. The casino I work in is sucking the life out of me. Not sure where or what yet, but I can feel it eating my soul every day I walk through the doors. I will receive $970 a month from the Army once I get into school full time... If I can finds a job that pays me what I earn now, I can make just about anywhere.

Now all I have to do is prioritize and start the process..

Wish me luck.
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01:14pm 23/05/2004
  As per usual...
Why do I let myself believe in love?
Again and again, I am shown that love does not exist in this world. People kill one another, people spend hours hurting one another, and I allow myself to fall in love only to be hurt again. Made it a whole two months this time... better than the six weeks of last time. Movin up in the world I am.. from 6 to 8 weeks.. fucking yay me.. I find the woman I had always wanted.. treated her like a gem, and again I am shown that I am just not worth being loved by someone. "I want a relationship" is what I am told... today, I am told thaqt she is not ready, and that we are not going to be together anymore.. I see shitbag after shitbasg with women that adore them, but not me.. nope.. Not worth the effort to be loved..
So just fuck you all.
Of course I am told this after I move in.. so now I have all of my things here at her place...
It is really hard to give a fuck about much of anything right now..
Why... why can't I love a woman who loves me back? Why the fuck do I bother..
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06:31pm 23/04/2004
mood: anxious
Not having a car sucks ass...
Just in case anyone was wondering...

There is a definite need for the mechanics at the shop to get off their asses and at least diagnose the bastard creation.. I made the mistake of saying no rush... That was last Thursday morning... They still haven't moved it into the garage..
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